Joke of the Day

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
      
      After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
      
      And there sat our Rosie all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
      
      Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"

Joke of the Day

A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services.
      
      The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.
      
      Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.
      
      Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.
      
      In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.

Joke of the Day

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.
      
      "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
      
      "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
      
      "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.
      
      "The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
      
      "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
      
      "That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
      
      "Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
      
      "You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
      
      "Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
      
      "Pew," Charlie retorted.
      
      "Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

Joke of the Day

Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.
      
      Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person's share of the work. Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone's list, "Let Someone Else do it." Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results; "Someone Else can work with that group."
      
      It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.
      
      Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do.
      
      Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else did?
      
      When you are asked to help this year, remember -- we can't depend on Someone Else anymore.

Joke of the Day

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.
      
      Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
      
      Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

Joke of the Day

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
      
      The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
      
      My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
      
      He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Joke of the Day

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.
      
      "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
      
      "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
      
      Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Joke of the Day

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
      
      She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. She asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"
      
      The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
      
      "Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

Joke of the Day

A blonde walks into a store and says to the store keeper, "Do you have any grapes?"
      
      The store keeper replies, "No, I don't." So the blonde leaves.
      
      She comes back the next day and says, "Do you have any grapes?"
      
      The store keeper says, "NO! I don't have any grapes! Stop asking me!" So the blonde leaves.
      
      She comes back the next day and says, "Do you have any grapes?"
      
      "I DON"T HAVE ANY GRAPES! If you ask me one more time, I'm going to nail you to the wall!" So the blonde leaves.
      
      She comes back the next day and says, "Do you have any nails?"
      
      "No."
      
      "Do you have any grapes?"

Joke of the Day

A blonde walks into Best Buy and asks the clerk working there how much the TV she saw was. The clerk replied "I dont serve blondes." Irratated she walked out and dyed her hair red.
      
      Later she came back and asked for the TV once again but the clerk replied "I dont serve blondes."
      
      She didn't understand how he knew but she left and dyed her hair brown and came back that night again wanting to purchase the TV.
      
      The clerk replied once again "I don't serve blondes."
      
      Frustrated she asked the clerk how he knew it was her and he replied, "Because that's not a TV, its a microwave!"

Joke of the Day

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
      
      One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
      
      "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if only I can sell the car."
      
      "Okay," said the blonde's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
      
      The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the friend asked her, "Did you sell your car?"
      
      "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

Joke of the Day

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes!
      
      What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?
      
      It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and our kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."
      
      Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blond stops him. "You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

Joke of the Day

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
      
      In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
      
      Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
      
      Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
      
      As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Stan, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Joke of the Day

A Blonde calls 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cries.
      
      The dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
      
      A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." he says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Joke of the Day

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies' Room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
      
      A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I`m the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her.
      
      Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I`m the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her.
      
      Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*

Joke of the Day

young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
      
      The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
      
      Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it onto the bayou bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
      
      The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts, "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Joke of the Day

Recently a new neighbor, a blond haired woman, called the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore.

Joke of the Day

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way!

Q: Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said "concentrate"!

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Very Gifted!

Q: How can you tell a blonde has been using your computer?
A: There is white-out all over the computer screen!

Q: Why don't blondes have elavator jobs?
A: They don't know the route!

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone!

Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
A: Blow in her ear!

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday!

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions!

Q: How do you really confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner!

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out!

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first!

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought!

Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade!

Joke of the Day

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive, but blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying', "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

Joke of the Day

Two young blonde women are sitting at a table in a coffe shoppe in such an obviously celebratory mood that a man drifts over intending to offer to buy them something to drink. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!" Smiling, the man says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"

Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"