Joke of the Day

Stupid Criminals 1

n unidentified man in Buenos Aires pushed his wife out of an eighth-floor window but his plan to kill her failed when she became entangled in some power cables below. Seeing she was still alive, the man jumped and tried to land on top of her. He missed...
      
      Baggy clothes may save your life: a 13-year-old boy in Belgrade, Yugoslavia fell 130 feet from his hi-rise apartment and survived with only minor injuries. Witnesses said Daniel Gurgus' baggy sweater caught tree branches on the way down... remember, kids, just say no to Spandex...
      
      William deLashmutt of York County was fined $100 after he was stopped at a police checkpoint with a car license plate, registration, title and driver's license issued by "the Kingdom of Heaven..." William obviously missed a comet...
      
      Joe Peterson, a tourist in Italy, broke an arm and both legs when he fell over a cliff trying to pick a lucky four-leaf clover...
      
      After drinking a little too much, Stewart Butcher went to sleep on a West Virginia railroad track. A while later, something woke him-- a 15 car coal train. "I raised up," said Stewart, "and it knocked me out..."
      
      Carlos Diaz of New York got 18 years to life for committing a series of robberies by pretending a zucchini hidden under his jacket was a gun...
      
      Joseph Owens of Mount Pleasant, Michigan, didn't think police were listening to his complaints that someone was harassing him, so he came up with a brilliant plan. Owens convinced his friend to shoot him in the shoulder with a shotgun so police would take him seriously. After a trip to the emergency room, Owens faces up to four years in prison for filing a false police report...next time, a little higher and to the left...
      
      Two eighth-grade girls in Mableton, Georgia were suspended from school for practicing voodoo. According to reports, the Lindley Middle School girls "were trying to cast spells on other students..." everybody knows it takes four girls and a chicken...
      
      A bad week for kidnappers: three men in Marietta, Georgia tried to kidnap Wanda Beverly and Anthony Watt. When police closed in, one of the men shot himself in the leg while trying to unload his gun...the cops! Quick, unload your guns...
      
      When James Nagel tried to abduct a Los Angeles woman, someone tipped off police. Nagel led officers on a "low speed chase" for 30 minutes, then tried to get away on foot. He shot at police several times, but missed. Nagel then climbed a utility pole and threatened to kill himself. Police tried to talk him down, then shot him with ten rounds of plastic bullets. Nagel finally surrendered after being sprayed for five minutes with a high-powered water hose, but not before accidentally shooting himself in the forehead...
      
      The makers of "Truster" software claim they can turn your computer into a personal lie detector. CEO Tamir Segal says his software measures "microtremors" in the voice, and works over the phone. "Everyone's sending me e-mail now," says Segal, "because they don't want to talk..."
      
      An Australian man accused of murdering his wife can't seem to get his story straight. June Mathew, John Rushton's second wife, testified that Rushton told her his first wife died of a heart attack, ran off with a Baptist minister after committing 55 acts of adultery, and drowned after being washed overboard. Rushton also claimed he was a nuclear physicist, a naval commander, and had been knighted for saving the Queen's life. Mathew, who was married to Rushton for five years, believed him because he was a "good talker..." but those pesky microtremors finally gave him away...